Finding Time

I remember the days where I would trap myself in a corner just so I can be punched by constant depression & Insecurities that never truly left my bein'. At times I feel I'm just as weak perhaps even worse I've just learned how to cover it up & put up a front for those that care deeply about me & believe me that list is massively short. I don't say that for the world can feel sorry for me, No! keep your sympathy. My lonesome & my socially awkward demeanour is what makes me who I am today. I've been hurt by tons. By people who said they would never hurt me, Have I recovered from the scars ? Of course !! But the part of me I exposed I can't get back no matter how hard I try. It's real hard for me to have a conversation with a stranger & the ironic thing about all this is. I love conversation I love random talks about anything & nothing as long as perspectives & secrets are shared. Perhaps I'm not the same AOR everyone is accustom to. As a matter of fact I'm not ! . I've destroyed everything I've ever known just so I can start over with a new life that I'm in the search for. I don't owe people anything. Not an explanation not a reason NOTHING!. If I stop talking to a certain individual out the blue it's simply because I don't see them benefiting me in the long run. I'm picky with who I call my friends, I NEED to surround myself with people who want something out this world not people who just go with flow & accept what comes to them. People have their own perspective of success & what the "Good Life" is & I respect that but I need the same energy I give/ Given back to me just so I can reach the next level of what I'm trying to accomplish at the moment. As far as my focus & what I'm dealing with right now is all a test for me. My patience & endurance is being tested at this moment. keeping my cool & overlooking the negatives in this current state I'm in is a tough task BUT deep down in heart, I know all this is necessary for my ultimate form as an Individual. I can't be stopped, My happiness can't be stripped from me, My heart & Love can never be taken for granted. If I'm tired I push myself more just to reach a new level of exhaustion. I'm hungry, I'm eager for what the future holds. But learning to accept what reality is today is also something I need to work on meaning I can't get to ahead of myself. My overall state is wonderful, I'm content with what I have on my plate & all the opportunities that are given to me now & in the future. & most importantly I'm thankful for my love, She's my drive, She's the one that adds more logs to my fire when I'm on the urge of giving up. What she does for me can never be touched or forgotten. The thing about her that most don't know is she taught me how to fight & never give up on what you want, There was a downfall in our connection we stopped talking for weeks,months, years etc. But somehow someway we ALWAYS re-Connected with one another. I knew since day one I would keep this girl forever & that self promise never truly left my grasp. I never stopped having hope for US. I knew we would be in the position we are in now one day & to have her here with me instead of living in a dream world is still truly a blessing from DILLA. At times I'm running & When I'm getting tired or cramping up, I have this vision in my head. (Now close your eyes & picture this). /Our own apartment, Both of us in the living room. Her legs over mine. SportsCenter on while she's going back and fourth from the living room to the kitchen. We sit down play some instrumentals & enjoy the food she cooked while we talk about our day & the love we have for one another./ That thought keeps me going when I can't no more. It makes me look forward to our love & what it grow to. I'm not perfect, I'm not the nicest or the most charming but one thing is for certain there will NEVER be another me.............

nothing is ever easy, But the journey is awesome.

DJ Premier - Music Evolution (Instrumental)

G.O.A.T.

                             
This song will forever mean lots to me, You have no idea....

Intelligent People, Can't be happy.

I spent a few years, Reaching out to people that needed to be fixed. It could of been from a heart break, Life lesson, or just an emotional pitt that they can't get out of & You know what I just realized I need to put that same effort & time into the man in the mirror because people are starting to complain on how cold I've gotten & quite frankly it's starting to worry them but not me. I believe this is the course life wants me to take I'm changing as a person & I'm allowing people to complain on my current decisions when before I would alter my character to keep my "Circle" happy with ME! Even when it mean't not being happy with me, So if you ever question my loyalty just know I've suffered more than half a decade & I'm still smiling on the fact my people are happy. When I say put "time & effort" into myself I mean accepting the new me & representing it to everybody who is so accustomed to me being everything they wanted me to be for them, I was being taken advantage of by people who I thought would NEVER hurt me, So a lesson for the books "The people you think highly of, Can do the most damage"& it never got to the point where I was crying on how life & people sucked because I'm over that phase, I picked up all the pieces & moved on, Thats all it takes now. Don't question my love for anybody either, I'm truly convinced that my love is rare & this isn't my ego typing honestly it really is RARE & I say its rare because I haven't let anybody receive it!! Everyone gets a different portion of my love but not the REAL thing that will probably have me on one knee counting my blessings in the eyes of the woman I'm spending forever with. My mother says I've been in this state of mind where (Everything & everybody is annoying me) & It's true.... Only because people aren't who they truly are & its starting to tick me off. STOP trying to impress me & somehow gain my acceptance I'm not GOD although at times I feel I'm GOD in a different aspect of living that we as people dont even visit which is ?????...... Point is show me YOU the real YOU, & when you do there is not promise I'll do the same, I wan't to remain a mystery I wan't people to be eager on what exactly goes on in my head, I wan't you all to believe that I'm miserable in my own skin not for attention but to teach you that even the strongest of all minds have different types of emotions that they aren't afraid to share & that alone doesn't make them "Emo" & this probably doesn't make sense because if it did!! It would take away my interest of remaining a MYSTERY .....

Love them, Hahah

Nothing could ever phase me, except you

I was on the floor before I could ever say nice to meet you

I wanted every sentence, every word, and every breath to end with you

I want to turn you into literature 

I want to turn you into the all the colors my eyes have ever met

I want to turn you into the cold wind that sends chills down my spine 

Just so I could have you in every way possible

I want you so close to me I cant breath 

I want you to be so far from me that my entire body aches from how much it misses you

I want to turn our entire story into a crossword, a jumble of thousands of letters and punctuation marks 

Just to see if we, together could make sense of it and find our way back to each other

I want to keep all these silly dreams of us from you just as bad as I want you to be the only one in them. 

You wouldn't understand.

Mj said..

I realize that I'm searching. Searching for what I really want in life and you know what ? I have absolutely no idea what that is but I am going to figure that out. I have to.

- Barney Stinson

Robin Scherbatsky

The thing about Jocelyn is simple she came in a point in my life where I felt the tunnel of further living was beyond reach, I never connected with anyone so fast not in a sense where we have things in common but in a sense where emotionally,Spiritually, We connected. Our relationship was beyond a "Friendship" not to say we we're dating but I couldn't help but to think every once in awhile she hinted at me to make a move but then again that could of just been my imagination. Anyway I can't stress it enough on much she means to me & what's funny we don't talk AT ALL but when we do it's like we NEVER stopped talking, I'm so happy for her she found a good guy at the church she attends ,Plain & simple I love her deeply & I'm proud of her but what she doesn't know is she gave me something to believe in. Thanks Jozzy..

Is this really my sole purpose ?

I may not have faith in the Lakers but I'll NEVER lose faith in this man.

Smile sometimes.

I thought about a lot lately & I've come to accept that all the hurt I've caused will reach me, How do I know this ?... Thats the thing I don't I can just feel it & sometimes I feel Im not ready for any type of hurt but then again who is ? Till' then I'm trying to smile for you because I want you to do the same & another thing, I know I can be the biggest asshole in the whole world but NOBODY can say that my heart isn't golden. A lot of people are getting in my head & making me look at myself different in a way where I don't respect myself. Anyway I'm trying to be better than I was yesterday but I'm awesome so that's a challenge everyday haha

----AOR out...