Finding Time

I remember the days where I would trap myself in a corner just so I can be punched by constant depression & Insecurities that never truly left my bein'. At times I feel I'm just as weak perhaps even worse I've just learned how to cover it up & put up a front for those that care deeply about me & believe me that list is massively short. I don't say that for the world can feel sorry for me, No! keep your sympathy. My lonesome & my socially awkward demeanour is what makes me who I am today. I've been hurt by tons. By people who said they would never hurt me, Have I recovered from the scars ? Of course !! But the part of me I exposed I can't get back no matter how hard I try. It's real hard for me to have a conversation with a stranger & the ironic thing about all this is. I love conversation I love random talks about anything & nothing as long as perspectives & secrets are shared. Perhaps I'm not the same AOR everyone is accustom to. As a matter of fact I'm not ! . I've destroyed everything I've ever known just so I can start over with a new life that I'm in the search for. I don't owe people anything. Not an explanation not a reason NOTHING!. If I stop talking to a certain individual out the blue it's simply because I don't see them benefiting me in the long run. I'm picky with who I call my friends, I NEED to surround myself with people who want something out this world not people who just go with flow & accept what comes to them. People have their own perspective of success & what the "Good Life" is & I respect that but I need the same energy I give/ Given back to me just so I can reach the next level of what I'm trying to accomplish at the moment. As far as my focus & what I'm dealing with right now is all a test for me. My patience & endurance is being tested at this moment. keeping my cool & overlooking the negatives in this current state I'm in is a tough task BUT deep down in heart, I know all this is necessary for my ultimate form as an Individual. I can't be stopped, My happiness can't be stripped from me, My heart & Love can never be taken for granted. If I'm tired I push myself more just to reach a new level of exhaustion. I'm hungry, I'm eager for what the future holds. But learning to accept what reality is today is also something I need to work on meaning I can't get to ahead of myself. My overall state is wonderful, I'm content with what I have on my plate & all the opportunities that are given to me now & in the future. & most importantly I'm thankful for my love, She's my drive, She's the one that adds more logs to my fire when I'm on the urge of giving up. What she does for me can never be touched or forgotten. The thing about her that most don't know is she taught me how to fight & never give up on what you want, There was a downfall in our connection we stopped talking for weeks,months, years etc. But somehow someway we ALWAYS re-Connected with one another. I knew since day one I would keep this girl forever & that self promise never truly left my grasp. I never stopped having hope for US. I knew we would be in the position we are in now one day & to have her here with me instead of living in a dream world is still truly a blessing from DILLA. At times I'm running & When I'm getting tired or cramping up, I have this vision in my head. (Now close your eyes & picture this). /Our own apartment, Both of us in the living room. Her legs over mine. SportsCenter on while she's going back and fourth from the living room to the kitchen. We sit down play some instrumentals & enjoy the food she cooked while we talk about our day & the love we have for one another./ That thought keeps me going when I can't no more. It makes me look forward to our love & what it grow to. I'm not perfect, I'm not the nicest or the most charming but one thing is for certain there will NEVER be another me.............